The Loss (Heartache series #1) Read online

She sets our drinks down and gives Jase a wink and then just stands there. “Uh, we’re not ready to order yet,” he says looking around at us. She’s quiet. I hear a small huff, but then she smiles at him and saunters away.

  “Well, that’s my cue,” Hailey announces. Huh? What? “You two have some catching up to do.” My mouth drops open as she takes a big gulp of her beer. I close my mouth quickly when Jase looks at me. She slides out of the booth, and I give him a small smile.

  “But you haven’t eaten yet?” She shrugs as she stands. I look at Jase, and I’m sure my face is telling him everything. “May I?” My eyes move to her and then to him. He nods and gets out, and then I hop out of the booth and jog over to her, grabbing her arm, almost forcefully. “What the hell are you doing? You can’t leave me here with him!” I half whisper.

  She turns, a big smile on her face along with a look of surprise. “What? I have things to do. Go!” She grabs my upper arms and turns me towards the booth. “Go have a good talk with your friend. Your longtime friend.” I’m so gonna hurt her later. This has been a set up the whole time.

  I hold my head up and look over my shoulder. She’s standing there waving her hands in a pushing motion. I turn back and walk back to the booth, sliding in Hailey’s absent seat. I’m afraid to look at him and don’t know what to do with my hands, so I put them in my lap and start wringing them. A noise causes me to look at the table when Michelle sets my beer down in front of me. Suddenly, I’m not thirsty or hungry.

  “Al, it’s just me. Has it been so long that I make you nervous?” My eyes look up and into his. So sad. Now I feel bad. “I’m not sure what made us drift apart but can’t we find that again? You were…. You are my best friend.” Damn. He’s right. I have so many more deep feelings for him than I ever thought imaginable, but it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends again. Best friends. I relax, a little, and smile, blowing out the breath I was holding.

  “You’re right, Jase. I’m sorry.” His smile is breathtaking. I bring my hands up to the table, folding them and take another breath. “So, tell me all about getting the gym. I bet that was exciting for you. I’m so proud of you.” Maybe everything will be okay. Maybe we’ll be okay. Then, why am I still scared about my feelings for him?

  Chapter 4

  “And Mom helped me get everything fixed up in the house. It was a long road for me, but I’m in a better place now, Al.” We’ve been talking for over an hour. Well, I’ve been talking. Rambling really. By now, we’ve finished our food and are on our fourth beers. She seems more relaxed, more her, but I still have the feeling she’s hiding something.

  “That’s great, Jase.” She leans in a little so I follow until our faces are only a few inches away from each other’s. “Do you still have nightmares about…. About the accident?” She whispers.

  I hesitate, her unique scent filling the air around us, the beautiful flawless skin on her face and those green eyes that have haunted me for so long. “You cut your hair,” I blurt. What the fuck? I can’t seem to hold a decent conversation with her without saying something stupid or weird. A small laugh escapes her full lips, and she leans back into her seat, so I do the same. Subconsciously, she reaches up and takes a lock, twirling it with her fingers. “It’s a lot wavier but still the same blonde I remember.” Her fingers still wrapped in her hair, and her smile lowers.

  “I have changed, Jase, some. But deep down I’m still me,” she says quietly.

  “Cryptic much?” Her smile is back but not fully.

  “I think we’ve all changed in the last five years. It’ll be interesting at the reunion. I’m glad we got a chance to talk before then.” She untangles her fingers from her hair, and I watch as she reaches for her glass, bringing it up to her lips. My cock twitches when they form over the rim, and I swallow along with her as her throat constricts.

  “What about you? I’ve done all the talking. A lot,” I chuckle. “I hear you’ve gone far with your graphic design. I’m so proud of you. You did what you set out to do, followed your dream.” Her beautiful smile appears as she sets her glass down.

  “Oh! Yes. It’s been great. Not gonna lie, it was a lot of work but Bill….” My eyes widen with the name. Feelings of jealousy rage inside me but I have no right to feel this way. “Well, I had a lot of help.” She looks down and takes another drink of her beer.

  “Maybe but….” She looks back up and straight into my eyes. “Something tells me you worked hard, getting your degree in college. You have amazing talent, Al, always have. That’s something that you should be proud of. YOU did that.” Her smile is back full fledge now, and I’m feeling pretty good with that save.

  “How is your mom? I haven’t had a chance to scour the neighborhood yet,” she laughs.

  The neighborhood. How do I tell her I haven’t been back there since we left for college? How do I tell her what a scared fool I still am, that I can’t bear to see where the accident happened? She’ll think I’m an idiot, weak and petty. “She’s great. Dying to see you. You better get over there soon or she’ll freak.”

  She laughs and opens her mouth to speak when she gets a weird look on her face. She looks down, fumbles with something under the table and then frowns. “I have to go.” She takes out money and begins to set it on the table. Without thinking, I reach over and cover her hand with mine. The softness of her skin makes my cock twitch again.

  “I’ve got this, Al. No arguments.”

  She looks up, almost shyly, and smiles. She pulls her hand out from underneath mine in a jerk, grabs her purse and starts to get out of the booth. I follow her lead, my hand going into my pocket and counting my money then placing a wad on the table. “Let me walk you out.” I turn as she passes me, my hand instinctively moving to the small of her back, and we walk towards the front of the bar. “Hey!” Danny yells, and we both turn our heads.

  “I’m sorry, Danny. I’ll come by another time for our chat, okay?” He only winks at her and gives her a small wave. The awkwardness returns as I walk in front of her, opening the door and watch her walk out. I follow her, and we start to walk up the sidewalk towards the parking lot of my gym. We reach her car. She produces her keys and unlocks the door. Slowly, she turns around. Our bodies so close. Her breathing is heavy by the look of the movement of her chest. My mouth is aching to press against hers, my cock straining against my jeans. Damn! I need to get a grip. Now!

  “It was great seeing you again, Jase,” she says, breathless. “I’ll…. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  I take a step back as she turns and opens her door, my hand lands on the top of it and I wait until she’s buckled in and looks up at me before I close it. I keep watching as she pulls out of the parking space and then out of the lot, standing there numbly. I walk across the parking lot until I reach my house, dig for my keys and then walk inside. After taking a much needed shower and relieve some pent up frustration, I climb into bed and stare up at the ceiling. My eyes begin to close, Alena’s face appearing quickly and more memories scour through my mind.

  “Jase, you need to go home and get ready for the funeral.” Alena’s soft voice breaks me from my stupor. Her touch makes me turn my head, looking into the depths of sadness in her eyes. “I’m here for you, Jase. Always.”

  She’s blurry with the tears that won’t leave my eyes. “Al,” is all I can choke out. She puts her arms around me, my head immediately resting against her chest. I refuse to cry. I’ve done enough of that in the last few days. How can I go on without Liv? Why did that happen? She was so full of life, had so much left to live. Life’s so unfair! I feel safe in Alena’s arms and never want to leave. How can I be thinking of that when my life has crumbled around me? Everything I was going to accomplish then my knee injury and now Liv? What in the hell am I supposed to do now? Alena will be leaving me too, to go to another college. I want to go back to the ways things were, when we were all together in
the street playing ball, laughing when Alena tried to slide into base in the field, the trips to the cabin, jumping off the hanging rope into the freezing cold water at the lake we used to go to. Having the time of our lives. We were all so close and then, everything changed in a heartbeat.

  Tires screeching. The sounds of metal against metal. The loud roar of a horn. I turn around, my heart pounding in my chest just in time to see the truck hit Liv. “NOOOOOO!” Sweat has beaded up on my brow, my breathing heavy, as my eyes snap open. Nightmare. It was just a nightmare. They seem to be happening more since the reunion draws nearer and with Alena back in town. I turn and look at the clock. Four in the morning. This is becoming a routine that I thought I was over, a while back. I take a quick shower, dress in my running gear and go downstairs to get a bottled water. After stretching on my front porch, I run to the trail in full throttle, along the dirt road and back again. Thirty minutes later, sweat is pouring from me as the darkness begins to lighten, and my water is gone. As usual, that didn’t help in the least with getting rid of the horrific after effects from the nightmare, but I manage to get into the house. The doorbell rings as I get another bottled water from the fridge. Who could that be at four forty five in the morning?

  Setting down the water on the breakfast bar, I jog out of the kitchen, through the living room and to the front door. I open the door and find Mom standing there holding a bag and a tray of coffees. “Mom? What are you doing?”

  She pushes passed me, and I follow her to the kitchen. “A mother knows.” She sets the bag and tray down on the breakfast bar and proceeds to pull out her famous homemade cinnamon sticky buns from the bag. My mouth is already drooling. “Something told me you needed these and me this morning.” I can’t stop myself and pick up a sticky bun and take a huge bite, a groan escaping as my eyes close. “Come on. Let’s sit. I’ll get some plates.”

  I shove the last bite in my mouth as I grab the tray of coffees, taking them to my small table, and pull one out of the cardboard holders, taking a sip as I sit. Damn, she’s right. I did need this, this morning. And her. She always knows. I watch her bring over a plate filled with her delicious treats, setting them on the table along with two plates. She puts one in front of me and then uses a spatula to scoop up another one and places it on my plate. I’m gonna have to do double time at the gym today with all this. “Ma, you’re killing me here.” I smile as I pick up the deliciousness and take a huge bite.

  She studies my face and then picks up her coffee and takes a sip. “You had another nightmare. Didn’t you?” Fuck! She can always tell.

  I shake my head. “Ma, I don’t want to….”

  “Shush. They’ve been worse since the reunion is getting closer and Alena’s back in town, haven’t they?” I swallow hard and nod. “Why don’t you go talk to Dr. Murphy again or better yet, why don’t you talk to me?” I look down, setting my food back on my plate, suddenly losing my appetite. “Son, sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns. Meet it head on. Sometimes you have to be stronger than the demon in your head.” I look up at her sad and caring eyes. “I’ve tried to get you to come home but haven’t pushed it. Much.” Is she kidding? “Well, I’ve tried not to.” Her smile appears, but her eyes still have that look. It breaks my heart. “Maybe coming home would be the first step. I would be happy to go with you, ride with you or even drive you.”

  “Ma, I’m not sure I’m ready but….” She places her hand over mine and smiles. “I will try but just not yet. I promise, I’ll try.”

  She removes her hand and takes another sip of her coffee. “Okay, honey. That’s all I can hope for. You know, so many will be in the neighborhood this week, going from house to house and a bunch of us are going to have a big cookout Thursday night before the reunion. It would be great if you could come. I know there’s so many who would love to see you.” She reaches over again, leaning forward, and places her hand on my face. A mother’s touch. My eyes look into hers as she looks into my heart. “You know we all lost Olivia, son. We all had a piece of our heart taken from us. I don’t want to lose you too.”

  I feel a tear leave my eye and make its way down my cheek. I stand abruptly. She moves back into her seat, and I walk around the table and lean down, hugging her tight. “You’ll never lose me, Ma. Never.” I don’t know how long I stand there, holding her and feeling all her love. Finally, I sit back down, and we finish eating, talking about the gym, Dad’s business doing so well but her hating how much he’s always out of town. But he always has been. So much he missed as we were growing up. Mom was always there for us since Dad couldn’t be. She’s always been our rock. My rock.

  I worked out at the gym, twice, did some paperwork on the computer and ordered some more supplies, during the day. I left around six, walking home until the sky opened and started pouring down rain and ran the rest of the way. For about twenty minutes I flipped through the TV channels, finding nothing on worth watching and finally shut it off. Since I’ve been home and got into some dry clothes, I’ve been antsy, anxious, and I can’t go running. I’m about ready to grab my keys and go back to the gym to run around the track when a soft knock comes on my front door. My heart stills when I open it.

  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  Without giving any thought, I stopped at the grocery store, picked up the things I needed, and by the time I started driving it was pouring. I pulled into the driveway, gathered my things and am soaked by the time I’m knocking on the door. What am I doing? Don’t think. The door opens and a surprised Jase stands in front of me, looking so sexy in his sweatshirt with the sleeves torn off, with matching sweat pants that leave nothing to the imagination and his brown eyes staring into my soul.

  “Hungry? Thought I’d make you dinner.” My heart is beating so fast as he looks down my body then slowly back up until they reach my eyes.

  “Come in,” his gruff voice almost whispers as he opens the door further. I duck under his arm and turn around quickly when he takes the bag from my hand. I’m starting to feel awkward and unsure until he walks beside me. “Glad you stopped by. I wasn’t sure what I was doing yet for dinner.” I look over as we enter the kitchen, his smile taking my breath away.

  We walk over to the breakfast bar, and he sets down the bag, turning so quickly that I almost fall over. His strong arms capture mine and tighten around them. “Whoa! Sorry.” We’re so close our bodies are touching, my chest pushing against his. I try to take a step back, but his grip holds me firm. He bends down to look me in the eyes, and my heart beats faster. “You need to dry off, get into some dry clothes. Wait here.” He doesn’t move, and I feel my stomach tying into knots. His breath blows on my face and I close my eyes, taking in his smell, his closeness. He clears his throat and my eyes open as he steps back, releasing his hold on me. “Yeah, I’ll just…. I’ll get those clothes,” he says as he walks around me, his shoulder brushing against mine. “And a towel.” I watch as he walks away and wonder what the hell I’m doing.

  It doesn’t take long for him to get back, but I’m shivering and dripping water on the floor. He walks straight over to me, a look of concern on his face as he wraps a towel around me. “Go into the bathroom down here. Through the living room and next to the stairs. You’ll catch a death….” He stops at his words and my heart breaks. I start to walk around him when he stops me. “I’m glad you’re here, Al.” I smile, my lips shaking, and continue my walk.

  I feel so much warmer after drying off and slipping into his soft sweatpants. I have to tie them double in order for them not to fall down and when I pull his sweatshirt over my head, I breathe in his smell. “Someone should totally bottle this up. I’d buy it. No wait! I’d want to keep it for myself,” I mumble as I pull my head through the opening, my wet hair clinging to my back. After taking the towel and getting my hair as dry as I can, I hang my wet clothes over the side of the tub, look in the mirror and pinch my cheeks to get some color in them. “That’ll have t
o do.” I feel like a creeper as I leave the bathroom, eyeing everything in his house as I walk through the living room and stop short in the kitchen doorway when I see him cooking. Jase? Cooking? I cross my arms and lean against the door frame, the concentrated look on his face, his hair unkempt as always, and him stirring the ground beef in a skillet. I wish I had my camera, and my phone is in my purse on the counter. Too far away.

  “You can quit gawking at me now.” I startle at his voice but there’s a chuckle in it. He grins, “I’ve had to learn to cook in order to eat so I’m pretty good.” His eyes look over at me, and I smile. A genuine smile. I don’t think I’ve done that in a long time. Years. It feels wonderful and more like my old self.

  “What no mac and cheese? Why, Jase. I’m actually kind of impressed, right now.” I push away from the frame of the door, walking towards him and lean over taking a big whiff of the ground beef. He pushes me back, gently with his arm, and laughs.

  “What? No love. I’m feeling no love here! I’ll have you know, I can make quite a few things. Some a little better than others but still edible.” He grins at me, and I feel a little bit of what we used to have, filling me. “Now, if you’re a good girl, you can stay there and watch but if you criticize me, you’ll have to go sit at the table.” He winks as he pours in some tomato sauce, stirring it into the mixture, and I can’t help but watch the huge muscles in his arms flex as he works. “There’s beer in the fridge. Help yourself.”

  I walk over, open the fridge door and am amazed by how clean and organized everything is. He certainly has changed. I grab a beer and turn, holding it up to him and he nods, so I grab another and take them over to the breakfast bar. I twist off the caps and bring mine to my lips, the liquid going down my throat smoothly. Turning around, I lean back against the counter and watch him. “So, why the name Battle Ground Fitness? It’s pretty unique.”